"As Fate Would Have It": Chapter 15

So you build that wall

Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes … But for now we’ll go on living separate lives

= Thursday 09 March 2000 =

"Isaac, I’m sorry. I just can’t. Why can’t you accept that?"

"Because you won’t give me a reason. Maybe if you would tell me what’s wrong, I could help you, or at least understand better."

"You could never understand this. And even if you did, you’d hate me. You’d think I was the biggest fool alive, and never want anything to do with me again." She sighed. "Why can’t we just leave things as they are, so we can salvage our friendship while it’s still standing?"

"I love you." His tone was pleading, as were his deep, rich brown eyes with the green streaks that made them look hazel at certain distances. It was more than Laurel could bear.

She turned away, so that he couldn’t see the tears welling up in her eyes. He approached from behind; even the gentle touch of his hand on her elbow spoke of the tenderness that comes from love. The tears spilled over, and streamed down her face in rivers. Laurel did all that she could to hide it, but Isaac persistently refused to acquiesce.

"Please," he begged, his voice cracking, revealing that he also was near tears. "Please, just tell me. I hate to see you hurting. You know I can see it in your eyes how much pain you’re in."

When she didn’t answer, he continued. "Okay, forget that I ever asked you out. Please, just as a friend, I want to know what’s making you so upset so that I can try to help you. I know it’s more than the fact that I asked you out. So tell me, what is it?"

Laurel closed her eyes momentarily. Wordlessly, she sat down at the piano, and began to play. Within a few bars of the intro, Isaac recognized the song. His mother loved Phil Collins almost as much as she loved Billy Joel, and Taylor had seemingly inherited her appreciation of both artists. Confused at why she had chosen that particular song as she hummed her way through the verse, he was startled when Laurel began to sing when she reached the chorus, still weeping heavily but softly.

He physically trembled when he heard the thickness of the emotion in Laurel’s voice as she sang directly into his heart, even with her gaze averted, "You have no right to ask me how I feel / You have no right to speak to me so kind / I can’t go on, just holding to time / Now that we’re living separate lives…"

Despite her petiteness and very obvious femininity, Laurel’s voice was a rich and splendid tenor. Isaac admired her vocal capabilities, and surmised that their ranges were about equal, though his was slightly lower than she could reach. She still was, after all, a woman. He had only a few moments to contemplate this as he sat beside her on the piano bench before she launched into the second verse, full-hilt. There was something very personal and intensely deeply from Laurel’s very soul in these words, there was no mistaking it: "Well I held on to let you go / And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show / There was no way to compromise / So now we’re living separate lives…"

Isaac was glad he was sitting now; the overwhelming intensity of Laurel’s feelings sapped him of all strength. Anguish wasn’t the word for it; her heart was being lacerated by this, whatever it was. And he felt it too. He didn’t know what could make her feel this way, but he knew firsthand that it was unbearable. He wondered how she could survive the truth of the next words she sang: "Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation / So you build that wall / Yes, you build that wall / And you make it stronger…" Laurel had definitely built a wall, and with all of his being Isaac wanted nothing more than to break it down and take her in his arms. He wanted it so badly that the thought brought him to tears. His own tears so affected his vision that he couldn’t even see that she was weeping with equal asperity, though her voice did not betray her quite so much. Even still, she sounded like an angel to him.

"Well you have no right to ask me how I feel…" Laurel was startled, yet didn’t stop, when she heard Isaac’s tearful voice, equally thick as hers, join in on the harmony part of the final chorus, the pitch lowered to within his comfortable range. "You have no right to speak to me so kind / Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes / But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives / Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives / Separate lives…" Her hands were very obviously shaking as she just barely was able to find the final chords. Unthinking, she allowed him to hold her as she collapsed, weeping into his shoulder, which was shaking as badly as hers. He had no idea that he was the reason why she was so destroyed within her heart...

After a few moments, she pushed away, realizing who was holding her. Wiping her eyes, she asked, almost accusingly, "Why did you do that? Why did you sing?" She stood and walked around to the window, putting the piano between them.

"I don’t know. Your voice is just so wonderful, I couldn’t help but join you. It was …instinctive, almost. But why that song? What did you want to tell me through it?"

"Isaac…" Laurel began to pace, wringing her hands.

"No, please. I need to know. Please tell me."

"I can’t; I already told you that. Why won’t you believe me?"

"You can. You’ve just now told me what; now just tell me why. Please?" The imminent probability of Isaac’s voice to break entirely had not lessened any, though he’d managed to control the tears that Laurel’s very obvious pain had brought about. "I still don’t understand, and I want to."

"I told you that you wouldn’t understand."

"No. Please don’t do that to me," Isaac pleaded. "How about this, you tell me what it is that has us both in tears here, and then if I still don’t get it, you’ll never hear another word from me again."

Laurel found her resolve melting. She’d already broken down in front of him, and he was still here. So apparently he wouldn’t make her feel humiliated. Sighing in resignation, she plopped down on the couch. "Oh, what the heck? I’ve already made a fool out of myself crying like a baby, I might as well tell you how stupid I am."

Turning around on the piano bench to face her, Isaac spoke tenderly. "Laurel, you’re neither a fool nor stupid. Please don’t say that you are."

"Don’t say that until you’ve heard what I’ve done." Something in Laurel’s tone resonated with bitterness.

"Alright. I’m grateful that you’re telling me, so I’ll hear you out before I say anything more. You have my full attention."

"Thank you." Laurel sat silent for a few moments, biting her lower lip, evidently pained by whatever it was that she had to say. Isaac was perplexed, but kept silent, as promised. This was hard for her, and he didn’t want to make things worse.