"As Fate Would Have It": Chapter 17

And still so many things I want to say

Wherever you may go … No matter where you are

= Thursday 09 March 2000 =

Laurel remained silent for several minutes. She couldn’t bring herself to cry any more, but didn’t know what to say, or even if she could form the words if she had them. Nodding would be simple enough, she thought. But he may not know for sure, and I don’t want to admit the truth. Instead, she stood on trembling legs and walked across to the window. Leaning against the piano for support, she stared out across the darkening horizon. Her silence confirmed his suspicions.

Isaac felt his own eyes flood with tears at the pain he imagined Laurel to have suffered. No wonder it’s been so difficult for her to be around me; she’s probably remembering hurts that this false — person — inflicted on her. He said not a word as she stood lost in her own thoughts. More than ever now he wanted to know what those thoughts were, but didn’t want to ask for fear that he would upset her further.

A stifled sob from behind brought Laurel back from wherever she had allowed her mind to roam, and she turned abruptly. What she saw broke her heart. She barely managed to get far enough away from the piano not to hit it as she collapsed on the spot. Finally, for the first time in two years, she mourned the loss of something she’d never had and the acknowledgment that she’d never had it. Isaac’s tears were the key that opened up the floodgate of her heart, which she had kept so tightly locked all this time.

Seeing Laurel’s distress, Isaac did his best to pull himself together in order to help her. Kneeling in front of her, he reached out once again to embrace her. When she pulled back the moment she felt his touch, he abandoned the attempt. Lifting her chin with his forefinger, he gazed deep into her eyes but said nothing. He wanted the first words spoken to be hers.

"I suppose you think I’m lying, that I’m making up excuses to avoid you. You probably hate me," Laurel said, watching a lone tear travel down the side of his face.

"Never," he replied. "I could never hate you. I could never hate you even if I was crazy enough to want to. I love you. I believe you, and it breaks my heart that you went through that. If there’s anyone I would hate, it’s the person who did this to you."

Then he did what Laurel least expected. He continued, "You loved that — that other false person, didn’t you?"

"With all my heart."

"The way I love you."

"How can you say that? We’re practically strangers."

"I’ve seen who you are, how you react to people. And I see how capable of love you are. You have the most tender heart I’ve ever seen, and you’re as beautiful outside as you are inside. What’s not to love?"

Laurel stood, and stepped a few paces away. She felt the need to put some space between them, in order to forget that the man before her was not the man she had loved. "I — I can’t get involved. The situation is too complex. I still haven’t had enough time for my heart to heal…"

"I’m sorry," Isaac said softly. "I won’t ask again. Do I — can I still have your friendship, though?" The clouds of worry in his eyes brought about a ray of sunshine in hers.

For the first time in a long while, Laurel smiled. "Yeah, if it doesn’t go any further than that. Some memories are too strong ever to leave my heart. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have anything to do with you. One question though."

"What? Ask me anything."

"Why are you still willing to stand by me after what I’ve told you? How can you want anything to do with me?"

"Because it wasn’t your fault. I hate that things like that happen because of who I am, and especially to someone like you…" Isaac quickly rethought this comment when he saw the expression of shame that crossed Laurel’s face. "I didn’t mean like what you’re thinking. I mean that someone as wonderful as you are doesn’t deserve to have something that horrible happen to them. And you especially don’t deserve it. I value you for you, because you’re sweet and thoughtful and sensitive and caring and talented. You’re the type of person who makes others want to be around them."

Laurel started to protest, but Isaac wouldn’t hear any of it. "Despite what you think, I would be honored if you would allow me to consider you a friend. Nothing more than that ever has to happen, if you don’t want it to. Laurel, I don’t just love you like romantic-love; I love you as a friend, for being a beautiful person in every possible way. I just want to be around you, not to win your attention or love, but just to be around you for no reason at all."

"That doesn’t excuse my stupidity and what I did."

As he responded, Isaac took care to speak gently, so that his words would not be as injurious as they had the potential to be. "Will you please get past that? I don’t think any less of you for it, I don’t hold it against you, and I would forget it even happened if you would stop mentioning it." — Laurel blushed. — "You’ve had an experience that you learned from, so take it as that — a learning experience. Let it go and go on. The lessons you learned from it have partially shaped who you are — in a good way, I might add — but the experience itself doesn’t define you as a certain type of person."

"I guess you’re right. I have learned some things that I probably would not have learned any other way," Laurel conceded. "And despite the truth and the outcome, it wasn’t all bad…" Slowly, a smile crept across her lips. As it grew to light up her whole face that was so enchanting, Isaac also grinned at her.

"That’s the spirit. Take the bad and make good of it. That’s something I’ve learned the past few years."

"What could you possibly have experienced that was bad? I thought you love what you’re doing."

"There are certain aspects of it that aren’t all glamour and glitz. Like this situation. I’m sure you’re not the only person who’s had this happen to them, although maybe not quite that way. Then when I encounter such a person and want to befriend them, they’re wary and terse, and so I have had to learn to be patient with people. And patience and gentleness are two of the highest virtues I’m striving to attain."

"I see. I had no idea that there was a downside to this kind of life. To me, it seems exotic and exciting."

"And dizzying and tiring," Isaac completed the statement. "You have to really love it to be able to handle the stresses of it. And even then sometimes it gets to you. Have you noticed that Tay’s been kinda listless the last few days? The poor guy hasn’t gotten more than four or five hours of sleep a night for the past several months. …Although I think that Sunday night was my fault," he chuckled to himself.

"What do you mean?" As Laurel asked, she noted that the tension in the air was gone; the atmosphere — and she — had relaxed tremendously in the past minutes. Now that she no longer felt pursued, she was feeling safer and more trusting toward the man who now beseeched her to sit on the couch which he had been occupying.

"I’m going to check on Zoë, and then I’ll tell you. Make yourself comfortable. After all, you live here as much as I do, and the way you’re standing there still has me afraid that you’ll bolt for the door at any moment."

Isaac smiled with satisfaction when he returned a few moments later to find that Laurel had obliged his request. Seating himself on the piano bench so as not to make her feel threatened, he cleared his throat. "Now, about why Taylor and Zac didn’t get any sleep Sunday night…" Then as he processed the memory, Laurel thought that she saw his cheeks grow slightly flush. With her eyes, she prompted him to go on.

"Are you sure you want to hear this?" When she nodded, he confessed, "Now it’s my turn to feel like a fool. …I was thinking about you all night. Thinking out loud. They kicked me out of the room around 2 a.m. or something like that. I have to admit, I sounded pretty pathetic. All I knew was that you hated me, but I kept on rambling for hours. It wasn’t the most intelligent conversation I’ve ever held with myself." Laurel joined him in his laughter.

As they finally calmed down, Laurel thought she heard something from down the hall. Investigating, she found Zoë standing in her crib, whimpering to be soothed.

"What’s the matter, Angel?" Laurel asked as she scooped up the little girl. "Did we wake you up by being too loud?" She walked the child from room to room, speaking in a low voice. When she reached the lounge, Isaac sat watching with incredulity at the way that his little sister had so taken to this near-stranger. The two seemed so at ease with one another, as though there was some special bond between them. "La-La sing?" Zoë requested sleepily.

In reply, Laurel began to hum softly, then sang: "Good night my angel, time to close your eyes / And save these questions for another day / I think I know what you’ve been asking me / I think you know what I’ve been trying to say…"

"I promised I would never leave you / And you should always know / Wherever you may go / No matter where you are / I never will be far away…" Isaac’s voice was so soft as he joined her that Laurel didn’t hear him right away. "Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to sleep / And still so many things I want to say …" In fact, it wasn’t until he was standing right beside her, stroking the silky blonde wisps of Zoë’s hair that rested on Laurel’s arm. The little one smiled up at them, both engrossed in her and unknowingly also in one another. "Remember all the songs you sang for me / When we went sailing on an emerald bay / And like a boat out on the ocean / I'm rocking you to sleep / The water's dark …" The harmonies the two made together were sweeter than anything either had ever heard or produced before. There was a magic between them… "And deep inside this ancient heart / You'll always be a part of me …"

"Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to dream …" His sister’s eyelids grew heavy and finally closed, and when Isaac recognized the deep, even breaths of sleep, he continued to sing, directing his attention now to Laurel. "And dream how wonderful your life will be / Someday your child may cry / And if you sing this lullaby / Then in your heart / There will always be a part of me …"

Unconsciously returning the words and sentiments to him in harmony, Laurel was startled when she realized how close she and Isaac now stood. Wrapping his right arm around her waist and below her own arms so that no harm should befall her or his sister if Laurel grew weak, he caressed her cheek with his free hand. Both were now breathing more deeply, their hearts racing.

"Laurel," he asked between gasps, "I know you may not want me to, but I have to ask. May I kiss you, just once?"

"But I —"

"I won’t ask anything more from you ever again, I promise. But before I concede to us being nothing more than friends, I would like to kiss you just once. It won’t mean anything if you don’t want it to; you have my word."

Without a word, Laurel closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. Though she feared what she may be granting permission to happen, she also had no fear; she trusted Isaac.

He turned Laurel to face him, still holding the baby. With one arm around them both, he and Laurel alike noted how right it felt, to be together this way. But they both knew that at the present time, it could not be. He tilted her face upward to him and traced her lips with his thumb. She took notice of the slight callous at its center, though he applied so little pressure that she barely felt it. Their faces drew nearer and nearer, both with eyes closed.

{AUTHOR’S NOTE: I was thinking of ending Chapter 17 right here, but that would just be too rude of me, wouldn’t it? I wouldn’t want to give my dear and patient friend Karen an aneurysm, now would I? :::smirk:::}

Gently, tenderly, slowly, Isaac’s lips made contact with Laurel’s cheek. For as much love as he conveyed in the kiss, there was an equal amount of respect. Laurel could not love him right now, and he respected that. When Laurel opened her eyes to meet his, he whispered, "Thank you. I realize how hard that was for you to allow. Thank you for allowing me to love you for a moment."

Not a word was spoken as the moment of intensity dissipated. Zoë stirred in her sleep, and Laurel’s attention was turned back to her. She returned the baby to her crib, then she and Isaac bid one another goodnight as he left her to contemplate her thoughts alone in the twilight.

You’ll always be a part of me …