"As Fate Would Have It": Chapter 20

Don’t think I meant to hurt you

There’s just no other way … And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break

= Saturday 11 March 2000 =

Upon the brothers’ return to their hotel suite, Taylor wandered out to the lounge and seated himself at the piano. As he settled on the bench, he saw a piece of paper perched on the keyboard. Picking it up, he read:

"Taylor,

Don’t ask me how I knew, but I knew that you would be the first to find this. Please share it with your family after you’ve read it for yourself.

I cannot say thank you enough for your hospitality and grace in putting up with me for the past week. Fate deals us some weird hands sometimes, although I’m sure something like this is unusual even for you.

Thank you for allowing me to make my tribute to Joelle something more beautiful than I could ever anticipate. I would like to give the song to you and your brothers as a gift, a thank-you. Please don’t use it now; wait until the time is right. I don’t know how long from now that will be, but I trust that you will know the time when it comes. I will not hold any ownership or copyrights to it, and I trust in your discretion when an explanation is necessary. From this moment on, the song is yours to do with as you wish.

I’ve learned a lot in my time with you all this week, and I will hold it as a precious memory for the rest of my life. You are all very wonderful and special people, and I am grateful that I met you. Please forgive me for not saying goodbye to you all in person. And, Taylor, your intuition is right; there is much more to my story. But don’t pressure Isaac into telling it before he’s ready. Tell him that he has my permission to tell it to you.

Thank you for the friendship you have extended to me, Laurel"

Taylor had guessed correctly that she would be long gone by this time. He breathed a silent prayer of thanks for the young woman who had drifted in and out of all of their lives. It was doubtful that any of them would ever see Laurel Benkowski again, but perhaps that was for the best. Now remained the task of breaking the news to everyone else.

Ike deserves to be the first to know, he thought as he picked up the letter and headed toward Laurel’s room, the direction he’d last seen his older brother going. Knocking softly on the door, Taylor let himself into a room which he found left neatly uninhabited, save Ike sitting on the floor, slouched against the side of the bed.

"Hey, Ike, have you —" Taylor stopped short when he saw that his brother was reading something, apparently a letter from Laurel. He quickly and silently left, closing the door behind him to allow Ike some privacy. No doubt he would be upset to find that she’d gone without a word.

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"Isaac,

I know that I owe you an explanation, but I’m at a loss for words…my own words, anyway. Once again it’s a song that best says what I feel. And yes, it is a song written by Diane Warren (What can I say? I told you I liked her work). It’s called "I’ll Say Good-Bye For The Two of Us", and every word of it is what’s written on my heart.

When you wake up and find me gone tomorrow
Don’t think I meant to hurt you
I just did what we knew I had to do
Oh, and all the time we knew
The time was never right for us
Time to leave this love behind
But I could never leave you
Baby, if I see you cry
I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Tonight while you sleep
I’ll kiss you softly one last time
And say goodbye like I know we must
There’s just no other way
And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break
So I’ll wait ‘til you’re asleep to say goodbye
Realize how hard it is to do this
I’m trying to make it through this
Say goodbye just as gently as I can
Please try and understand
This time’s just not the time for us
We knew I couldn’t stay
But that don’t make it easier to leave you
So while I can find the strength
I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Tonight while you sleep
I’ll kiss you softly one last time
And say goodbye
Before your arms embrace me
Before your kisses take me
Before your eyes can make me stay
I’ll say goodbye for the two of us
Tonight while you sleep
I’ll kiss you softly one last time
And say goodbye like I know we must
I’ll wait ‘til you’re asleep
To say goodbye for the two of us
I’ll kiss you softly one last time
And say goodbye like I know we must
There’s just no other way
And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break
So I’ll wait ‘til you’re asleep to say goodbye
Tonight while you’re asleep…
When you wake up and find me gone tomorrow
Don’t think I meant to hurt you
Goodbye

Please don’t hate me for the way I’ve treated you. I must admit, I was downright rude to you at times. I apologize. What went on in the past is something that I have yet to work through fully. I don’t doubt that I could care about you if I were to allow myself to. But it wouldn’t be fair to you. Based on what I went through, I would subconsciously make assumptions that may not be true, and remember as reality things that never happened. Also, I don’t know if I could ever love you as much as you seem to care about me, and that wouldn’t be fair to you, either. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love her. I don’t know if I could do that, any more than I know if I will ever forget the heartbreak that I went through. It’s nothing you have or haven’t done; it’s that I can’t trust myself.

I am glad, though, that I told you. Hopefully now you know that it’s not that I hate you …it’s that I thought I loved you and found out that it wasn’t really you whom I’d loved. I know that doesn’t seem to make much sense, but you know what I mean. I never thought that I would ever be in this situation, face-to-face with you and having those feelings resurrected. I don’t want to lead you on in any way, I honestly do not know if these feelings I hold in my heart right now are for you, or shadows of what I felt for someone who never was. I would not want to put you through the pain the discovery of the truth might bring you.

I suppose you feel that walking away like this sends the message opposite of what I mean to, but I don’t want to put you through any unnecessary pain. I value the friendship we’ve shared over the past week, rocky as it started out (understatement of the year, I know), and I want you to know that I will always keep this time as a treasured memory. But I feel that for both our sakes it will have to be kept as nothing more than that — a memory. At least for the time being. Who knows where our lives will lead us? I just hope that yours is filled with happiness, and the love you deserve to have. I won’t make you any promises that I’m not certain I can keep, and don’t you make me any promises that you’re not certain you can keep. Forever is a long time, and promises are forever. I don’t want to hold either of us to something we can’t follow up on. I’m sorry to have brought this disturbance to your life and I hope you forgive me. I never planned for any of this to happen, but I’m sure it did for a reason. I don’t regret this time, and I hope that you don’t either. I’m sorry couldn’t say this to you directly, but there are some things for which I don’t yet have the strength.

~ Laurel"

Isaac was dumbfounded. She was gone. Despite all that he had tried, Laurel had walked away without saying a word— without an "I love you," an "I’m sorry it can’t work out," or even a "Goodbye". He reread her letter, hoping to find some clue, some reason, some indication that she cared for him and didn’t want never to see him again. His hands were shaking so badly that he could barely read the words on the page. Not that he could see them at all if he tried; his tears had blurred the whole room into a watercolor smear.