Now at last I find in you the missing part of me

If I never knew you, I’d be safe but half as well … Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true

= Saturday 11 March 2000 =

Reaching into her bag while unpacking back at the dorm, Laurel’s fingertips brushed against something slick and hard. What she found in her hand was a CD case, unmarked, with a sheet of paper stuffed inside the cover where a booklet would have been. Opening the case and wondering where it had come from and how it had ended up in her bag, Laurel watched a small slip of paper drift to the floor. She picked it up and read: "Thanks again so much for helping me with this song. Your touch added something special to it, and I know how much it means to you that you were able to give Joelle such a tribute. Ike and Zac and I wanted you to have a copy of it, so this is the best take of the demo you did with us. It’s our gift to you, as thanks for your friendship. You’re one of those rare people who instantly touches the lives of others. Forever your friend, J. Taylor Hanson."

Glancing down at the disc in the case, Laurel’s eyes filled with tears at what she saw. The design he’d scanned across the top contained the lyrics to the song, the chorus in her handwriting, and each of the three verses in the handwriting of one of the three Hanson brothers. Immediately she fished her CD player out of her bag and popped in the disc to listen. Returning her attention back to the CD case, Laurel gently pulled out the sheet of paper tucked into the cover. Unfolding the page, she found a letter that looked like it had been hastily written.

"Dear Laurel,

Please forgive me for the way I acted this past week. I should have been more sensitive to what you were feeling, but all I thought about was myself and how I felt about you. I wanted to thank you again for telling me the truth; I understand much better now where you’re coming from and why you reacted the way you did. I’m really sorry about what happened to you and I want you to know that if I could erase the past, I would gladly do so for you.

I also want you to know that I’m a better man because I’ve known you. I was beginning to feel that my unusual life would make it impossible to care about anyone, but loving you makes it clear that I can. I’m sorry that circumstances have made a relationship impossible for us; Laurel, I love you with all of my being. I found a song that describes exactly how I feel about the time we’ve had together for the past few days and I hope and pray that you feel the same. It’s called "If I Never Knew You", and I copied the lyrics on the back of this letter for you. Please know that I mean every word with all of my heart.

I realize that this may be the last chance I have, so I want you to know that I truly love you. That night when I first saw you was when I knew. That night was the first time ever that I sang "More Than Anything" and truly meant those words. And the kiss you allowed me to give you the night we talked means more to me than any other kiss I have ever given or received. Thank you again for that also. There’s nothing I want less than to lose you forever, but I want that decision to be yours. Please contact me whenever you want. If you don’t, I understand but I hope that you would want to. I will hold you in my heart forever, no matter where we may each end up, or even if our paths never cross again. Remember that always.

Turning over the page, Laurel found the song Isaac had mentioned. It was the same song she’d thought it might be. Laurel fought unsuccessfully to keep the tears from her eyes; she had waited and wanted a long time to be told that she was loved this way. After what had happened two years before, when she’d given her heart to someone who had no idea she existed, Laurel was ready to give up hope.

If I never knew you, if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue
Now at last I find in you the missing part of me
In this world so full of hate, full of raging lies
I can see the truth so clear in your eyes, so dry your eyes
And I’m so grateful to you. I’d have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you
If never knew you, I’d be safe, but half as well
Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true
I’m so grateful to you. I’d have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we’d make the whole world right
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they’d leave us would be whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right
If I never knew you, if I never knew your love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we’d make the whole world right
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We’d send the darkness into night
And still my heart is saying we were right
And if I never knew you
I’d have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky, never knowing why
Lost forever, if I never knew you

The CD had long since stopped as Laurel re-read the letter again and again. The very idea that Isaac Hanson could love her was still too surreal. Laurel didn’t know if she could handle keeping the lies of the past apart from reality. Isaac’s letter sounded like he understood that, and would wait patiently for as long as she needed. He would be broken-hearted if she never contacted him, but that wasn’t a decision Laurel needed to make tonight.

How long had I wished for that very thing to happen? she asked herself. Yet when it finally does, I am unable to allow myself to love him as I want to. Will I ever be able to put the past behind me for good?

"Isaac," she whispered into the solitary night, "I want to love you. With all of my heart, I want to. But I can’t, and we both know why. I’m sorry."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Across town, as he prepared to leave, Isaac heard her. He whispered back, "I’m sorry too. I will wait forever, Laurel, to love you."

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